Lost Identity

Somewhere between the wedding vows and the undertaker, women seem to lose their identity. How does this happen? As most of us married women will tell you, we remember being single. We remember being able to go and come as we wished, follow whatever schedule we wanted and we were able to do what we wanted when we wanted to. We had opinions, likes and dislikes, and had friends and hobbies. We had a personality of our own. We were a complete person. We had a name, and it was ours and ours alone. Then we get married.

In many cases, the first thing to go is our name. We take the name of our husband. Jane Smith becomes Jane Jones. Ok, so two become one, I understand this. Now, she is no longer recognized simply as Jane, she is MRS. Jones, or Tom’s wife. She is often treated as if she no longer has opinions or views of her own – it’s just assumed that she feels the same as her husband. She no longer has time for her own things because it interferes with her new wifely duties. Strangely, it doesn’t seem matter if Jane is employed outside the home or not.

Her hobbies are pushed to the back because there simply isn’t time to pursue them. After all, she has to plan the dinner party for her husband’s boss so her husband can win the big promotion. She has to prepare the holiday feast for the whole family since this will be their first one as a married couple. She has to clean the house and do the laundry and pick up the dry cleaning and make the dental appointments and book the flight for her husband’s business meeting. Then right smack in the middle of her already busy life, surprise, surprise, she discovers she is pregnant.

Fast forward about a year. Now, not only is she Tom’s wife, but she is Juniors mom. First at the daycare center and the pediatric office, then later at Junior’s school, she becomes simply Juniors mom. Maybe by this time she is Sally’s mom as well. And let’s not forget she is still Mrs. Jones, Tom’s wife.

Jane is no longer known for her kooky sense of humor, she’s known for the baking the best brownies for the class bake sale. She’s not known for her artistic ability in painting, but for her fantastic avocado & green onion dip at her husbands’ annual company picnic. She isn’t known for her taste in movies or music – she’s known as the band uniform fundraising coordinator and soccer mom. She just isn’t known as the fun loving, intelligent, witty, talented girl she used to be. Where is Jane? Where did she go?

I think too many of us allow ourselves to get lost. We ignore our desires to be who we really are. We deny ourselves the luxury of keeping our identities and no one really knows why. It seems that in today’s world, with all the so-called advances we have made as women in a modern society, we would be able to figure this one out. Have the expectations of society become so ingrained in our nature that it is now genetic? Have we evolved into what society expects us to be?

So how can we keep from losing ourselves? We have to insist and be stubborn about it. We have to remain connected to the outside world. We have to pursue our own interest, keep our own circle of friends. There is nothing wrong with being a wife and mother, but we are women as well. We are individuals with our own opinions, values, desires and dreams. We can not allow ourselves to forget that part.

Remember when you and your friends would meet at the bookstore to discuss the latest romance novel over a cup of coffee? Well, stay connected with these friends and meet at the bookstore every Wednesday evening. Remember how you liked to paint? Buy some cheap canvases, a few brushes, some paints and paint away! Really splurge and go to a spa for a facial or massage. Find some music you used to listen to and turn it up! Dance in your own living room! Spend some time with yourself. If you don’t, who will? Keep yourself active and up to date on current events. Volunteer for a cause that interest you. Offer to speak to a group of young people on a topic that you enjoy. Join a garden club. Go for a drive with the top down and let your hair blow in the wind. Go for a walk in the rain. The point is to keep yourself interesting.

There is nothing wrong with being Tom’s wife or Juniors mother. You just have to be yourself as well. If Tom married you because he found you interesting and a pleasure to be with, don’t you think he deserves to have the woman he married? I really don’t think the Toms of the world want an automaton partner with no personality. They have blow-up dolls for guys like that.

Junior may be a bit harder to convince – after all, you’ve always been just mom to him. He needs to know that you are a person, not just a figure in the household. How else is he to learn that you have feelings? Once he knows that you are indeed a person in your own right, you’ll be surprised how the relationship will change. Suddenly, Junior will be coming to you for advice, asking your opinion, and realizing that, hey, that mom lady really has a sense of humor!

It just takes a bit of practice and lots of discipline. We have to really want to hold onto ourselves. If you are truly happy being no more than the window dressing and the cook for your husband, or the housekeeper and transportation to your kids, then by all means, just forget everything you’ve just read. If, on the other hand, you really miss the woman you used to be, get off your behind and go looking for her. She’s still there you know.